Blood on the leaves

[myironeyes]

[He knocks more as an announcement than anything, and lets himself in. Smiles a little, wearily, despite the things he's been thinking about, the things he needs to say. It's good to see C'Rizz surrounded - literally, in the blanket pile - with presents, with how much he is loved.]

A good Christmas, so far?

Comments

[to_dust]

[He's barely been out of bed, since Christmas. Now that he has a bed, and something warm, it's been easy to not think about how he feels about this last breach.

He's aware that it's what he did after Folkeston, after his brush with the Daleks-- hiding from himself with sleep (harder then, the voices in his head with their vague curiosity, calm and quiet in death). But getting up is so hard and bed is so warm.]

Everyone was very kind-- I have a lot of lovely things.

Some of these were from you-?

[He sits up languidly, Iris' snuggy and the other blankets draped loosely around him.]

[myironeyes]

The table. This quilt.

[He reaches out for a patch of the multi-textured quilt, handmade from dozens of different fabrics, runs his fingers along the smooth side of a sheepskin section, with the warm brushed wool obviously on the inside.]

It was a gift to me, last year, from someone who's gone.

The locket, too.

[to_dust]

Marsh-- you shouldn't have given me something important to you. [His voice is rough with sleep, but he can move from zero to worried in no time at all despite that.]

The locket is -- it's more than enough, and the table-- what if your quilt is ruined-?

[myironeyes]

That's why I wanted to.

I don't sleep enough these days anyway. It's the sort of gift that should be used.

[to_dust]

Marsh, I could ruin it.

[Marsh, he disappoints people. It's what he does.]

[myironeyes]

Books and boots and blankets all get worn out and ripped up doing what they're meant to do. It's a sign of a thing used well. Please don't mind it.

He reaches over, squeezes C'Rizz's hand, speaks more softly.]

That scares you a lot. Ruining things.

[to_dust]

[C'rizz swallows and nods, gripping Marsh's hand.]

It seems inevitable. I disappoint the people I love, and I don't take care of what I ought to.

[myironeyes]

It's not inevitable.

[He has seen the foundations of his world change; nothing is inevitable, even things that have always been that way.]

But you would have to - choose that.

[to_dust]

I've tried. I'm not strong enough.

[myironeyes]

You are, though. It was never about strength.

You helped Rassilon for the same reason you helped Jadis. Because they offered what you wanted, and you chose to accept.

[Marsh doesn't blame him, really. If the Lord Ruler had offered him Mare and Kelsier's lives, instead of throwing them to the pits, would he have betrayed the rebellion? He doesn't know. He thinks he very well might have. But it hasbeen C'Rizz's choice, more often than not. It's something Marsh thinks maybe he needs to admit.]

[to_dust]

[C'rizz curls in on himself. He's not happy that he has to say it. He's even a little resentful.]

I know.

I know.

[myironeyes]

[Another light squeeze of his hand; Marsh wishes he could hug him, say it's okay, it's okay. But he can't.]

I might have done the same. If I'd ever been offered a chance. But the people I wanted to save - I think they would have been more disappointed than the people I could have betrayed. They were - luminous people, Kelsier and Mare. They believed in hope, and defying fate, and sacrifice.

I didn't know L'da. But I don't. Think she would have wanted you to pay the prices you have. She wanted you to be free of that kind of thing.

[to_dust]

I know!

She was better than me. Even without Rassilons and Miraculites and Guidance pushing me around-- in a vacuum, given my own choices, I'm not a very good person, Marsh! I'm -- petty and selfish and violent and impatient. I know she would have been disappointed but I couldn't imagine going on without her.

[He takes his hand away and drags both of them angrily down his face.]

That's weakness, isn't it? The best I can do is try to be like someone better, and without help I'm not actually very good at that.

[myironeyes]

So you try.

[He touches the locket's chain, lightly, through a gab in the blankets.]

So you have help, where you can find it, and you keep her memory with you, because she is part of you. And every day you make new choices.

I am very petty. And obsessive, and bitter. And so many times, I gave in to despair when I should not have. And then - when everything seemed already lost. I resolved that if I had another chance, I would choose better.

You can. But you can't grow any stronger if you're too afraid to try again.

[to_dust]

I just want to stop. I just--

I'm tired, Marsh. Since I got here all I really wanted was to just... stop. I thought I would, on Utebaddon Taria, I thought that it would be over and it wasn't.

I got to speak with Charlotte and the Doctor again, just that once, and it was the first time in so long I hadn't wanted to just end. But I love them so much. And if I could make it back to them--

I might hurt them. Again. With nobody to blame but myself.

[His voice is cracking and he's started to cry.]

[myironeyes]

Shhh. Rest, then.

[Quiet, gravelly, as gentle as he can manage. The sort of shushing he would have used on Kelsier when he was small, that doesn't actually ask for quiet, that is only meant to be soothing.]

We all get hurt, sometimes. They love you very much too, you know.

[They'd want to see you.]

[to_dust]

I'm afraid. Of what I can be made into and what I am.

[He moves toward Marsh, takes his hand again, crying not particularly gracefully now. Eutermesan throats stop up and choke just like human ones when they cry, and he's rasping miserably.]

[myironeyes]

It's okay. It's okay to be afraid.

[He tugs C'Rizz in a little he takes Marsh's hand, not entirely sure of himself, but if C'Rizz leans into him, the knobbled blunt spike-ends beneath his cloak notwithstanding, he'll wrap the other arm gingerly around him.]

You can't let it stop you forever. But it's. Terrifying, facing yourself like that. It's okay.